I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
