i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
