I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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