So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
