I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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