I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
