How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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