Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
