Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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