my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
