I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
