I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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