she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
