So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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