hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
