3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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