the condom got lost in my hair
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
