Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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