My cat gives me a boner
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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