I wish I only lived at night.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
