Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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