Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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