shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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