I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
