so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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