mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
