Porn is love you can see.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
