my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
