i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
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his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
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No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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