Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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