Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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