Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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