Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
