I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
