I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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