I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back