whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it