I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
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Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
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One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot