Redeem this text for a blowjob
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.