my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
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We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
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I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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