Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
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i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
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