Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
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In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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