If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
