just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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