we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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