I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I can't put those talents on a resume
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
