i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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