she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
