we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
