I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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