God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
BRING THE BAGELS
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
