im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
