I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
