just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
