So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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