he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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