I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
