This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
