my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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