one word: firstdatebathroomanal
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
