The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
