Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
